When my heart is heavy.
I wasn’t planning on writing this tonight but I felt like I needed to. So many times things can be going right in someone’s life on the outside. Yet those looking in fail to see what’s really going on within them, deep inside their heart.
I guess that’s where I am tonight. Driving back home with my emotions coming out of me. After a nice day, finally being able to start work, driving to a new part of the state I just moved to, eating yummy Italian food and sitting there with three other people who are like family to me. I don’t understand where the emotions came from.
I’ve been going with the flow lately, slowly adjusting to a new journey.. a new beginning. Working and going home. Trying to figure out where I’m going to school. But deep down, I have been wondering certain things.
How do you know if something is for you or if you’re just settling out of convience? The last time God provides for me like this was when I was 18 and lost. I’m not lost. I know what I want- a good job while I go to school so I can make it. I have the job and I found the school (even though it’s not where I originally pictured). I guess a big part of my emotions tonight come from not knowing and doubting if what I’m doing is from God/ apart of His plan for me.
I’m not sure about this very important person/ relationship in my life. I love this person so much, with all my heart. This person treats me good and cares about me. What more can a girl ask for? A lot actually. I’m not sure if it’s the flesh or the spirit telling me to let go- be with someone successful. I want someone successful. I feel like I’m not helping them. What if I’m settling? I’m too young. All those thoughts run through my mind- I’ve gotten used to ignoring them. Tonight they came back though and so did the tears.
I guess I’m here- writing this to say- I don’t have it all figured out. Except that I only get one life (earthly life anyway). And how I live it determines what’s next and where I go after this life. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time yet at the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I feel heartbroken over something I haven’t even done yet because I’m not even sure if I should. I wish loving someone could be enough…
Until next time.
Love and blessings,