11 days into the new year. 9 days of being back from vacation. 7 days of work and back to the same routine. 4 days of doing yoga consecutively. 0 days of truly connecting with God. Time just keeps on going by and as the days go by, I always think about how one day I’ll stand before Jesus. 9 times out of 10 I say I’m not ready to stand before Him and right now as I type this that answer is the same. Things have to change. Maybe I won’t ever be ready to stand before Him but I don’t want to continue to live with fear that when I stand before Him, I won’t be enough. So lets talk about something tonight, g r o w t h.
I read a sweet Instagram post about it the other day but what I didn’t hear was something like this. Growth is a process. It’s painful yet freeing. It’s pretty yet ugly, it’s the good and the bad, all mixed in one. The last two years, God has placed me in the perfect place to g r o w. He’s shielded me from comparison by allowing me to be the only female around. He’s allowed me to have confidence in who I am by helping me through some challenging times. He’s allowed me to be loved. However, in spite of all that Gods done, I often find myself slapping God in the face without even realizing it until it’s gone too far. For instance, lately I find myself with a lot of unknowns and what ifs. And of course, those unknowns and what ifs, scare me to the point where I wonder in my last year here if I missed out on true growth by consuming myself so much with love (relationships) that I forgot about the true love always available to me, Him, God.
I’m finding out that I can’t grow to be the person I want to be/ who God created me to be… without Him, without God alone. I don’t think it’s enough anymore to go to church Sunday, write on my Instagram page and read my bible… it has to be more. I have to put Him back in that number one spot that i always seem to give up so easily when “love” comes around. So here I am. Here. Looking back on the last two years and wondering where they went. Knowing I only have one year left to g r o w in this place God has me. Knowing that its time to get serious about my faith and rediscover myself.
-With love and kindness,