This is something I’ve been wanting to write for a while, so I hope you enjoy! 🙂
I was premature when I was a baby. I came into this world 3 months early. In the beginning of my life, it was a fight. As a baby, I had heart surgery and was in the ICU for quite some time. My parents prayed and additionally, numerous priests prayed over me and blessed me. I believe because of all these prayers and blessings, God came into my heart and soul as a baby. As I write this I’m now 22 years old, and I don’t remember nor can I recall a time I didn’t believe in God. However, I can remember times when I questioned God.
Growing up my mom, sister and I would go to church in our small town in Nevada. We didn’t make it to church every Sunday but when we did it was always a welcoming place. In middle school, sometimes my sister and I would attend youth group. During this time, my sister was more of a believer than I was in the sense that she wasn’t afraid to share her beliefs or sing songs about the Lord. However, I on the other hand was private about my beliefs. I was too shy and scared to really give my all to God. So, in the private place of my room, I’d write quotes on my mirrors. I’d spend a lot of time in my room just journaling and praying. Looking back, I regret this because I should’ve spent more time with my family instead of being cooped up in my room. If I’m being honest a lot of those prayers and journal entries back then revolved around the wrong things. I’d long for a boyfriend, for a boy to love me or at the very least like me. To be honest, those prayers were selfish and I’m disappointed I failed to see the love that was surrounding me as well as the love within me. Sophomore year of high school was when God really opened my eyes.
Sophomore year was a hard year. I struggled a lot with forgiveness. I struggled to forgive myself for quitting sports and most importantly for pinning over boys. I remember this one night, I was in my room feeling so bad about who I was, feeling unworthy and unlovable, beating myself up because I quit sports that year, ashamed and embarrassed for always having a crush and on top of all that I felt alone. I remember I was on my knees crying, I cried out to God in front of my mirror. I don’t remember the details of what I said but I do remember it was a revolutionary moment for me. God showed me He was real and He was there for me. I remember this feeling of overwhelming peace wash over me. It felt like I could breathe and this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like everything I was feeling bad about and beating myself over suddenly just vanished and didn’t matter anymore. I had gained the Holy Spirit.
The following years consisted of me avoiding Gods repeated nudge to take my faith further by getting baptized. I had grown out of my teenage habits of pinning for boys and feeling bad about my decisions. Yet I still couldn’t shake the feeling God wanted more out of me then just receiving the Holy Spirit and not acting out my faith. At the age of 18 years old I had my first real heartbreak. Through that heartbreak God showed up in my life in the form of LDS missionaries. They taught me about God as well as their religion, pushing me to get baptized in the faith. I knew I wanted to have a relationship with God but deep down I felt like this religion wasn’t for me. It was something I didn’t agree with. , I stopped communicating with the missionaries and their church. I told God I wanted a relationship with Him, not with a religion. It wasn’t until about a year and a half to two years later that, I finally found what I was looking for.
About a year and a half later, I knew it was time to make a change. The situation I was in was too comfortable and it was getting me nowhere. I was living in this nasty small town in Nevada, working at a restaurant and going to community college. I wasn’t happy with where I was. I ended up deciding to move to a city about two hours away. I got a studio apartment that was across from a university. I shared that apartment with my mom for a while. By the way, my mom’s always been there for me, and has always helped me when I needed help. I hope I can be there for my kids one day as much as she has been there for me. I finished up my semester of school online and I got a job. I knew I wanted to continue my education but felt like I should do more. It felt like the feeling wouldn’t go away of being and doing more. I wanted a better life. I started to read my bible more and pray. I began to feel Gods direction in my life and for the first time listen to it. It wasn’t long until I found an amazing nondenominational church. The church was one of the most beautiful modern churches I had ever seen. I loved it regardless of how many people attended. They were doing baptisms that summer of 2015 and without skipping a beat I signed up online. Around the time I got baptized, I was in the process of enlisting in the Army. Now 2 years later, I attend a church every so often, although I’m trying to get better at going on a regular basis. I found the church a year ago after finally arriving at my duty station in the east coast.
It’s crazy how faithful God has been towards me. When I was lost, He never left me. He was right there alongside of me, providing for me, watching out for me and guiding me. I can finally say I’m stable and happy with where I’m at. I’m so grateful for a God that chose to pursue me and never let me go. God is faithful guys. He is a good, good Father. Now I don’t have to live lost or stressed out wondering what my next move is. I have a God who will guide me if I let Him.